Blame It On The Camera

Dear oh dear, what a lot of moaning minnies they are over on uk.tosspot. As ever Mr. Safety has come up with some figures which "prove" that speed cameras are responsible for (read this carefully) a reduction in the downward trend of road fatalities. Yes, that's right, road fatalities are still going down, but according to Mr Safety, cameras are responsible for 1000 deaths every year!

You will note that drivers are absolved of any blame in the matter.

Having been challenged to prove it wasn't one of the other factors which changed over the same period - like police cutbacks (unrelated to cameras, of course, since every area of public service was cut back in the 1990s), airbags, ABS, Jeremy Clarkson or the acute selfishness which now pervades some parts of society, Mr Safety took refuge in "I predicted this would happen, I've looked for it, and lo! and behold! it has come to pass." Some say that, since speeding is an automatic fail, even a learner can drive within the speed limit. But this is against the fundamental tenets of the Church of the Speeding Death Greenhouse.

Here's a classic example: Saudi camera "causes" crash (nb: this video may well be a fake, but it's not listed on so I don't know either way). What's the cause here? The presence of traffic enforcement? The car moving at clearly ludicrously excessive speed? The driver's inability to control the vehicle at that speed? It has always seemed to me that anybody who blames enforcement cameras for the grossly inappropriate actions people take towards them, has at least one screw loose. But there you go.

Anyway, I was riding along this evening humming a little tune when I suddenly realised - the words of the 's seminal hit "" were merging in my mind with a different and wholly more seditious lyric.

Here, dear reader, is that subversive song:

Blame It On The Camera
Those cagers always speeding

And it wouldn't be a bad thing

But the cameras are flashing

And the points pile high

I sped right up the M1

Like I was really someone

From that night I kissed

My licence goodbye

CHORUS

Don't blame it on the speeding

Don't blame it on the mobiles

Don't blame it on the cagers

Blame it on the camera.

Don't blame it on speeding

Don't blame it on mobiles

Don't you blame it on cagers

Blame it on the camera.

Illegal speeding bugs me

But somehow it has drugged me

Engine rhythm gets me

My lead feet.

I've changed my life completely

The motor has consumed me

My baby just won't take

A ride with me.

CHORUS

I just can't

I just can't

I just can't control myself.

I just can't

I just can't

I just can't control myself.

CHORUS

This tragic motor grooves me

That dirty greenhouse moves me

The devil's gotten to me

Driving in a trance.

I'm full of traffic anger

A fire burns inside me

Speeding's got me in a

Cager trance

CHORUS

Speeding

Mobiles

Cagers

Camera

Speeding

Mobiles

Cagers

Camera

Don't you blame it

You just got to

You just want to

Yea -

Blame it on yourself

Ain't nobody's fault

But yours and that greenhouse

Speeding all night long

Yours and that greenhouse

Ain't nobody's fault

But yours

Speeding all night long.