Paedo scum!

Yes, it's official! Safespeeders are paedo scum! And here's the proof, as published in the prestigious International Journal of Because I Said So[1]

The profile of paedophiles is as follows:

  • Mostly male
  • Car owners (see numerous campaigns on stranger danger and not getting into cars)
  • Convinced that theirs is a victimless offence of no provable detriment to the victims (see NAMBLA[2])
  • Sad obsessive no-life loners

Safespeeders are:

  • Mostly male
  • Car owners
  • Convinced that theirs is a victimless offence of no provable detriment to the victims
  • Sad obsessive no-life loners

The offender profiles are an exact match!

Clearly it is proven beyond doubt that speed camera obsession is the major cause of paedophilia. My team and I have really concerned ourselves fundamentally with a statistical analysis of speedophiles as a whole, in tandem with and related to a psychochemical and broadly speaking behavioural analysis of over a thousand speedophiles, and we've come to the conclusion that the one course the authorities must take is to cut off their goolies.[3]

This research has passed the acid test of the scientific method, beer review. It is thus unassailable and can be cited as immutable truth even in the unlikely event that it is subsequently proven to be Complete BollocksTM. Yes, we're definitely talking Nonce Sense here.

Yes, these two groups of individuals have more in common genetically with crabs than with humans. This is a Scientific Fact - there's no direct evidence for it but it's a Scientific Fact.

Unlike the mad one in three theory, which relies on comparing two carefully chosen years and extrapolating, ignoring stochastic variation and prior and subsequent trends, this theory is based on repeatable figures, year after year. It therefore follows that anyone who fails to accept this self-evidently truth is a child rapist and should be hung from the nearest lamp post pour encourager les autres. Think of the children!

Interested in what the safespeeders have to say on the subject? See how the average Daily Mail reader thinks at the twat-o-tron

See also:


  1. International Journal of Because I Said So, April, 2008, volume 94 page 666: "The Effects of I'm Right on Your Being Wrong: A Meta Analysis"
  2. No, it's not a joke, this group really exists.
  3. Source: Professor Duff of Cambridge University and Sally Barnes, community worker from the Borough of Lambeth

In case you had not realised, this is humour. The cultural references are Chris Morris and Not The Nine O'Clock News, and the real world referent is some hilariously deranged trolls who think that because Paul Smith says that speed cameras kill, even though he never managed to provide any credible evidence to support it, anybody who is not implacably opposed to them is therefore a murderer (yes, actually, a murderer[1]). Apparently it is even more important to believe Smith now he is dead, because being dead entitles you to respect you never earned while alive. Or something. This disclaimer is included in case you, like Ford Prefect, come from a planet where they don't have sarcasm. See also sarchasm.