Sunday January 26, 2003 


The Observer 

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's 
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really 
pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. 

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me 
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, 
but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his 
place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. 
That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just 
know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I 
have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll 
pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why 
don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say 
that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my  neighbours. 

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the  rights and 
wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be 
finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be 
secretly murdering people. 

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic 
firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently 
that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it 
clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in 
and do whatever I want! 

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is 
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one 
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US 
or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. 

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and 
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in 
peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. 

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is 
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass 
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm  certain I've just as much 
justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for 
bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by 
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term 
aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? 

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every 
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once 
he's committed an act of terror. 

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to 
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have 
already eliminated themselves. 

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future 
terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every 
Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert 
to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr 
Bush to eliminate all Muslims? 

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of 
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't 
like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really 
safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too 
far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the 
United States. That shuts her up. 

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason 
for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole 
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all 
aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar 
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 
'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. 

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to 
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
 
Terry Jones